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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.