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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it