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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.