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" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Your personality needs alcohol.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...