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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?