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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
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It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.