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I just called. To say. I texted you.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. LOL. But on the up side, it is fun!! ;)
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.