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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.