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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale