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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.