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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.