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It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.