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No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
the real full form of M.B.A....Married But Available
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.