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liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!