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I wish my mind had a delete button.
I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure