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I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"