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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.