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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.