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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
I may be stupid but im also dumb! :D
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.