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I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.