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You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.