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Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.