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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.