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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?