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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.