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I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....