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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.