Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.