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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.