Daily Silly Status

Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.

I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.

Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing

Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`

“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.

You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.

Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?

Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.

I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)