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If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?