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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.