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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
I like the part of the day when food happens.
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!