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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
Technically, every picture is a before picture.