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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.