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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?