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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.