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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.