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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.