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I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.