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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong