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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend