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I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.