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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
This post is just for you.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!