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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?