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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!