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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
You made several good points, and I understand that you are right, but the way you said it was so douchey I have to take an opposite stance.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"