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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
Don`t feel bad if you don`t enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That`s what matters.