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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords