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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, āIām not crazy!ā and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
Iām not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.