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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
Reincarnation is my only hope.