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I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
wants to rock and roll all night
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.