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Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....