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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her