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If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.