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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.