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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.