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If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.