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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.