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Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D