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Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?