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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.