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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.