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Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?