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Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I`m not "rich" ... But, actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you`re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.