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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.