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I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.