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Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?