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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"