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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!