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that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.