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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
"Oh!Look The Smurfs Grew Up!"Grandma those are Avatars." -_-