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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.