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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.