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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.