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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
Ive been invited to farmville! Now what to wear...
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.