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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.