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I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.