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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.