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I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.