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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.