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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."