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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
Honk if you are reading this.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.