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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance