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Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.